When one or both of our parents abandons or neglects us, emotionally, spiritually or pysically (sometimes all three), we receive the message “I am not worthy of love and presence”. We cannot nurture and affirm ourselves because we are too young and immature – we have not been taught what healthy nurture love feels like or looks like. So almost all of us enter adult relationships with a built in sense of worthlessness and the belief that we are helpless to care for ourselves, which comes directly out of the original abandonment by our parent/s.
Accompanying this is usually a fantasy illusion that a white knight or Angelic being of some sort is going to rescue the internal immature dreamy child and fulfil the longing created by the abandonment. We need only look at popular movies and songs to see this playing out in our culture. Our low self esteem and inability to care for ourselves is soothed temporarily by a relationship until eventually the pain cause by our inability to be in a healthy relationship with ourselves rears its confronting face again…the part hollywood forgets to show us!
When our energy is focused outward, when our mind is directed towards future scenarios, when someone is “completing” the picture or vision we have created for ourselves, when our relationship is used as a source of feeling loved and worthy…these are all signs that we are needing “filling up” from the outside, that we need rescuing from our loneliness, emptiness, lack of self-worth and self love and from our inability to feel safe in the world without someone who can protect us and give us some future guarantee. The intolerable reality of the original abandonment is too great to face, so we seek to enmesh with someone instead of re-parenting ourselves.
Focusing on the internal marriage offers the path less travelled. The path to giving yourself the Power to change the way you love…the way you love yourself, and the way you love others. In this new world, you are your favourite subject, not someone else or some future idea or scenario. You, in this moment.
Living the love and freedom you seek, sitting at the feet of the Teacher inside you. The sun stands in one place, blazing with light, which nourishes the heart. The sun is the focal point and the heart of the solar system – its called “solar” system because the sun is the core of everything.
What would it feel like to start thing of your inner marriage as the core of your life and all of your relationships? The primary point of focus – the light that nourishes everything. More often than not, when we get into outer relationship, we start acting like the earth and the sun become that outer relationship rather than our inner marriage.
To really be the sun, we have to stop “moving”. We need to really feel our deep soul wants underneath the to “move” and go toward the beloved – call, text, see him/her, converse about the relationship, ask whats wrong or what they need all the time – the behaviour that come more a NEED to depend on someone for our nourishment, physically and emotionally because they are the sun instead of us.
When you are constantly “moving” in a relationship, controlling the relating, you lose your POWER. You become like a slave to the relationship, whilst the beloved, the sun, sits back making minimal effort. The ironic thing is that whilst you may think you are pleasing the beloved, nobody actually want to be the centre of anyone else’s life. It makes us bored. It is much more exciting and fulfilling to be with someone who is the sun of their own life, able to reparent themselves with a strong solid beautiful inner marriage.
Your masculine holding space with presence, witnessing your feminine feelings without judgement so that the emotional body can flow in a safe container. We are taught to lock it up, keep quiet the feelings that we have, not let them interfere or have a chance at air. This is a restrictive way to think and where there is resistance there is persistence. What we lock up ends up imprisoning us. Your feelings are a flow within you and all they ask is to be heard, to be witnessed and felt and allowed to be.
Diving into this flow is a surrender into yourself, an allowing of all you are to be truly felt. This is the most sacred surrender on Earth and when we can do it within the safe container of our inner marriage, then we can be vulnerable with others in a way that is not needy. Often vulnerability is mistaken for a child who needs reparenting. True vulnerability comes from an adult feminine heart who knows herself, who can be with her feelings and enter the deep well of ancient knowing reaching it’s roots as far back as time itself. That well, that eternal spring, flows within us when our own masculine has the balls to stand beside her.
The challenge in our culture is that most partnerships are not based upon a sacred marriage of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine, but upon looking for validation and approval, trying to control each other and gaining a sense of safety through the Other. Commitment in this co-dependent framework becomes a prison based on guilt, unhealthy sacrifice and ownership.
Both partners sacrifice their own freedom and full potential and become trapped in the soul destroying cycle between distancing and merging, fear and desire. When two “whole” beings come together, their own inner marriage is the Sun and they neither control the other nor allow themselves to be controlled, they are equals who honour themselves as they honour each other.
Their commitment has nothing to do with guarantees or needing safety but rather INNOCENCE. They are committed to the Open heart of Sacred feminine energy which melts away the wounds and distortions with a tender gaze and compassionate arms…seeing the other as an Innocent divine child, a mirror. They are willing to be vulnerable, authentic and know that they matter enough to be seen in the truth of their heart.
They are also committed to the Presence of the sacred masculine who keeps his word, acts with honesty, and takes responsibility for his actions. He is who he says he is, he is stable and he knows himself. He has self-mastery and self-control, the master of his energies, very rarely taking anything personally.
Before we can experience a healthy outer relationship, we MUST experience a healthy inner relationship for they are but a reflection of each other. Thats why relationships are the most exquisite pathway to consciousness bc we have a direct mirror there that provokes the ways we get lost and trapped into patterns that stop us from feeling Home in our own Bodies and Beings.
Unfortunately we often never get past the beginning. Not the honeymoon, that is illusion, the beginning of being faced with your shadow, the beginning of feeling scared. The place where potentially, all you want to do is run away or dive right into the others psyche, and love becomes love/hate, a never ending series of endings and opening, building walls of protection, a chess game.
But what if we went beyond the chess game and entered a grand symphony, a relationship which is harvested so that each individual grows and blossoms….facing fears rather than running from them.
When you find your way through the fear and feel the love behind it, there is such a chance to feel what you haven’t completely felt. And then you can embrace it and explode in love. No one can trigger this better than the Lover who is calling you to loving presence and calling you to set them free and yourself free.
And how exquisite if you can feel your insecurities and meet that energy and you can feel your love and meet that energy, and you don’t have to move away from each other. You dare to shake in your pants together. And just acknowledge your own not knowing and… still you are there. In a place of allowing whatever is…and at the core of whatever is, when you face and peel back the layers, is Love and Freedom. We recognise the source of love as who we are…Its sweetness most deliciously tasted and felt in silence and presence…alone…”all-one”.
The following vows were my deepest commitment to love, cherish, and deeply care for all parts of myself in my most glorious and wonder full and in my most messy and chaotic. They were the result of journeying deeply into the symphony of inner and outer relationship, with all the different notes, tones and climax points.
My vows feel like an Ode to Loving and Being True to Myself, so “we” can Serve this Planet and enjoy the fruits of this incarnation.
I vow that I am my Beloved always and in all ways.
I vow to Be with my feelings and feel everything, to reveal myself to you and be seen by you.
I vow to embrace all of my Self: my shadow, my light, my divinity, my humanity, my body, my feelings, my sexuality, my values, my little child.
I vow to Honour, trust and express my Unique Essence.
I vow to take the time and make the effort to Know myself and listen to myself.
I vow to comfort myself and reparent myself with love and presence during times of longing, despair, sadness, anger, disillusionment, or any difficulty that arises.
I vow to forgive myself and others when I am suffering in the darkness of blame and shame.
I vow to NEVER abandon myself in romantic relationships again. My inner marriage is my primary relationship, now and always.
I vow to make love to myself often as an experience of pleasure, clearing, healing and conscious mergence with The One…back to Source.
I vow to take the time to be Still, to sit in sacred silence, to connect with Nature.
I vow to to trust in the flow of life.
I vow to keep my heart open.
I vow to live and love wildly….totally present and totally out of control.
~ And so it is ~
Part of my work is facilitating powerful inner marriage ceremonies and initiations into the sacred masculine and sacred feminine. See “offerings” for more details.