What is Surrender?
Surrender is a deep let go. It is the opposite of control. When you control, your ego comes in and you are moving against the flow of the universe. When you control, you are not choosing to relax and trust. When you surrender however, you naturally relax, you naturally trust and you know that it is not up to you to decide where life goes. You decide instead to go with life.
You also do not try to control where lovemaking goes. You allow sexual energy to flow and you surrender into that flow. There is less agenda and more trust. If you have a lot of agenda, you are bound to control. If you surrender, you accept whatever is before you and you surrender yourself to whatever is happening around you. This is what Tantra means by total acceptance.
Once you accept life in its totality, amazing things start happening, because this surrender frees you from your egoic control. With this freedom comes heaven on earth because you are no longer creating problems for yourself by trying to control everything and everyone around you. If you cannot surrender, you will always have problems, because control is the original source of them. The non-surrendering egoic control is resisting the flow of life rather than accepting it, which creates suffering.
It is the same with sex. If you try to control your sexual experience, especially by being fixated on achieving orgasm, you will not be able to surrender to the waves of each moment. If you have something to achieve, you cannot trust and surrender.
Surrender means:You leave that achieving, grasping mind that is always trying to get something. Instead, you allow sex and life to flow freely. Just as the wind is flowing through the trees, you have no resistance. Wherever energy and life leads, you are willing to move. You have no agenda. Tantra says, things happen when you do not expect them, things happen when you do not force them, things happen when you are not controlling.
Surrender means:You are not controlling pleasure and happiness. Pleasure and happiness happen. If you strive for pleasure and happiness, then it is going to be a result, it will never happen in this moment. A result is a conscious effort, surrender is a melting into the moment. If you are deep in the moment, deep in the play of life, deep in the play of love and intimacy, you will feel pleasure. You may also feel pain, but that’s ok too. The very expectation of pleasure, the controlling of things for happiness, will become the barrier and you will not feel pleasure in this moment. But if you surrender to this moment, without any agenda, pleasure is a natural consequence, even if there has to be some pain in the mix. Accept it! Let it be painful and accept it! Pleasure will eventually follow. Let go of control. Let go of your attachment to pleasure and resistance to pain – this is what will help you to surrender into the moment more than anything else. This too shall pass as the saying goes.
Surrender means: You relax and allow life and love to lead you. Whatever is, you accept and surrender to. You dissolve your ego resistance, you relax into the human experience and you go wherever that experience takes you, trusting the universal flow.
Why is it so Difficult to Surrender?
The difficulty is that if you relax and surrender, you cannot maintain the ego. Ego can be maintained only in resistance. When you say no, egoic control is strengthened. When you say yes, ego simply disappears and you surrender.
That is why it is so difficult to say yes to anything. Even in ordinary things it is difficult for someone who doesn’t want to surrender to say yes. The ego, the “I”, feels good only when it is fighting. Next time you make love try saying yes out aloud or in your mind over and over again. Say yes to pleasure, yes to love, yes to being penetrated into your heart space, yes to merging into oneness, yes to being taken, yes to full surrender, yes to whatever is moving through your body – sadness, ecstasy, rage, resistance, fear, bliss – don’t fight anything! Just keep opening, trusting and surrendering deeper into your body. Accept this moment. Then there is no more fighting and resisting.
We are afraid to surrender, to accept things fully as they are, because we all so desperately want to change. The irony is that total transformation happens when you do surrender. Once you stop pushing and resisting, inner division dissolves, you become one. You can vibrate with whatever is authentically moving through your body. Otherwise, this energy is wasted in inner fight and conflict. This acceptance makes you one. You are whatsoever you are. You are a whole and not divided against yourself.
This wholeness is an alchemical transformation. With this wholeness you have energy. Now you are not wasting your life. There is no inner conflict and no outer conflict reflecting this inner state. You are at ease within, which means you at ease without. The energy which you gain through no inner conflict becomes your loving awareness. Once you know how to be whole, you will become more and more receptive to everything going on inside and around you. Then the day will come when your total energy will be transformed into surrender.
Surrender and Sex
When surrendered energy moves into sex, this is a very potent experience because when you are surrendered, you feel so much more sexual and open. Every time you make love you have the opportunity to give yourself completely. This means being trusting, unafraid, vulnerable. It means allowing the other to truly enter all of you. On a primal level, sex is the most natural, basic experience where you allow someone to enter you, or someone to be so deeply close to you that you cannot remain armored. If you do remain armored, the sex will often have to stop because your yoni won’t be receptive. She will “roadblock” someone from entering or continuing to penetrate. When you are surrendered in lovemaking, you are not holding yourself back, you are not in the mind and you are not focused on a goal. You are connected to your body, to your heart, flowing, relaxed, unafraid, not thinking of the future, of the result, of the consequences, but just being in the moment.
The more surrendered you feel, the more receptive you are, and the more receptive you are, the more willing you are to share love. The ego just keeps getting dissolved. In full surrender, there is a kind of death or meeting with God that happens. Only in this death can the force of love be felt in its purest form. Everything disappears, and only a deep love for self, each other and God remains. In deeply surrendered lovemaking, you are not fighting for something in the future; this very moment is paradise, this very moment is eternal.
If on the other hand, you are afraid to let go and you are resisting in any way, sex will just be a biological release and you will not attain the ecstasy Tantra talks about. You do not know Tantric sex at all unless in sex you can attain a deep orgasmic state that flows through your whole body. It is not only a release of sexual energy, your whole body becomes completely relaxed and waves of aliveness move through you. This means that the lovemaking is not localized at the sex center, but it spreads through your whole being and every cell is bathed in your experience. Then you have a peak – a peak in which you are not a body. Tantra goes through the body to go beyond the body – you become just a soul connecting deeply with another soul. Your body will be no more. You will not be part of the material world; you will have become the eternal one heart. That is the depth possible with full surrender. There comes a total relaxation, a feeling that now you are fulfilled, a feeling that there is no need to desire anything; complete surrender. Only humans can achieve this spirituality in sex, otherwise sex is just an animal instinct.
After Tantric sex the glow will last for hours afterwards and you will feel absolutely different – without any worries, without any tensions. Ecstasy will be there and that ecstasy happens only when there is a genuine letting go – when you are not holding yourself back, when you are not in your mind; you are just surrendered. So, Tantric sex and surrender go hand in hand. Through Tantric sex you move from yourself to another person and surrender into oneness. Then you move from this union between two people to union with the whole cosmos. It is a surrender toward the whole universe.
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Men, if you’re ready to learn how to take women into a deep space of surrender then our The Art of Loving Women workshop on the 16-17th of March in Perth is perfect for you.