Where attention goes energy flows
When we get into the all-too-easy habit of focusing on what is lacking in our relationship, or what we want to change in our partner, we feed the energy of ‘separation and lack’, thereby creating conflict in our life. Unconsciously we have been sucked into the Hollywood ideal of the ‘perfect partner’, and once the honeymoon period is over, our minds start grasping for this ideal, trying to change or manipulate our partner into what WE want them to be, and day-dreaming about greener pastures. In the majority of cases we have simply stopped truly seeing the person that we fell in love with. In this blog you will learn lifelong practises to bring appreciation, love, playfulness, openness and gratitude into your relationship so that as the years go by, passion, connection and love grows instead of fades.
Myth! I have learned from personal experience that the perfect relationship does not exist! Ever since my first relationship when I was 19, I have found myself peeking over the fence and actually tip toeing to see for myself how much greener the grass could be on the other side.
Of course, when viewing a man from a distance, we lack the benefits of knowing all the stuff that’s underneath the surface. I must admit that until very recently, in every relationship I have found myself in, there would always be a time in that relationship where I was either captivated by someone else who possessed their “missing qualities” or waiting for the potential in my partner to manifest into who I wanted him to be.
In my early 20’s I went for safe, secure relationships, but then got bored. So then I fell for wild, uncontained lovers and got trapped in addictive and avoidant cycles. When I was with men who were consistent, light, kind, calm and reliable, I felt drawn to spunky men with excitement, passion and a more gypsy lifestyle. With the spunky gypsy men, I would end up feeling abandoned and long for someone more stable. With stability, I always ended up feeling restless and trapped. Noticing this cycle, I figured “Okay, maybe I’m not happy with any man!” So I explored whether being with a woman would make a difference and found all the difficult dynamics of relationship were still present. I tried open relationship and polyamory. I took a position against relationship. None of these stances brought me any closer to that elusive fulfilment I was searching for.I was like a moth to a flame burnt by the fire – over and over again.
I eventually just broke down, thinking it was all helpless and I should just give up on relationships. Then I had these realisations:
- Happiness could not come to me through another – I had to find happiness within through inner union (deep self-love)
- Each person I fell in love with was mirroring to me an aspect of myself that I hadn’t fully owned
- Nobody is perfect including myself and I needed to let go of my long list of unconscious expectations
- I needed to appreciate what was before me and find peace, joy and sacredness in the mundane
Men want a woman who can love and appreciate them exactly as they are here and now, yet the reality is that most women are constantly displeased with men. We notice their flaws, nag, criticise, need this, need that and basically stress a man out until he can’t wait to get away and have some peace! I have worked with hundreds of men, and most often, they feel like whatever they do isn’t good enough and they can’t figure out what we want. They don’t know how to make us happy even though it’s very obvious to us – we just crave the level of intimacy in Titanic or The Notebook! We want to be romanced and swept off our feet. We crave special connection. We want to be like those women who somehow manage to manifest men who are crazy about them. We want men who are masculine enough to not be threatened by us, and who are masculine enough to take the lead; men who appreciate us for exactly who we are here and now.
We don’t want much do we?
The reality is that we find men who do not act or feel like they are “all in”, and instead of inspiring them to be “all in” by nurturing our own inner marriage, we spend every minute of our lives trying to come up with ways to entice them into the centre of the relationship. We try to inspire them to put effort into us. We feel like we have to do backbends to try to capture their interest, their desire, their affection, their attention and keep it. We end up feeling exhausted and lonely, and they feel like we have made a turnabout from loving to resenting and so they withdraw. They find ways to distance themselves from the relationship, which makes us angrier, which makes them withdraw more, which makes us angrier, which makes them withdraw more. It is essentially a snowball headed for hell.
And where does your pent up frustration and energy go? It goes into wanting to change them, fantasies about some other ideal man, greener pastures, into addictions, into criticism and into a victim mentality. As a result, the men are not feeling the vibrancy of the feminine that they long for, so they withdraw.
It’s time to drop all of your expectations (not your needs). It is better to not be with a man at all than to spend your time pulling one towards you.Tell him what you need and want and if he doesn’t follow through, live your own life as if he is not even there. If he fades out of your life, that is your indication that he wasn’t supposed to be in it. To some degree you need to accept that if he wanted to be there, he would be.
If he cannot follow through with what is important to you, then be prepared to let him go.
Do you feel worthy of having your needs met or are you the type of woman who turns crumbs into gold? Do you know that you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly or are you happy to sail along because you have a conscious or unconscious belief that it is ok for your needs not to be met?
Be clear and brutally honest with yourself and your partner about what you want and need from him that is not negotiable. Becoming clear on what your needs are is very important so that you can make healthy requests rather than finding sneaky ways of getting your needs met (for example, if you need protection or nurturing, rather than asking for this you create a dangerous situation or become very sick).
Needs may be: I need to feel desired; I want to make love a minimum of twice a week. I need your presence; I want quality time with you without phones at least twice a week. I need safety; I want you to get a job. I need romance; I want at least one date night a week.
Choose the things that are super important to you and be prepared to end the relationship if he cannot give you what you want and need. It’s time to create the space to let ourselves find people who want to make an effort for us.
Relationships rarely ever end because two people do not love each other enough. They usually end because the two people are not compatible. When two people are incompatible, they have needs and desires that are pulling in two opposing directions, opposing to such a degree that they cannot accommodate one another. In this event, the desire to make it work goes away and it feels more like forcing. Some differences can be accommodated in a way where both partners are happy, others cannot. It’s always useful to look for a third option, or a way to accommodate differences if we have already committed and incompatibility is arising. Ultimately, know that if there is no way to accommodate both people’s desires and stay together, it’s time for the relationship commitment to end.
If your needs and desires are sufficiently compatible, then CHOOSE your partner fully and completely. Every day, say to yourself when you see him “I choose you!” Commit to him completely and appreciate him on a daily basis. Commit to helping him feelgood, at least once a day. Notice the little things e.g. “Thank you for listening,”, notice the big thingse.g. “You have no idea how blessed I feel each morning to wake up next to you, support his passions, compliment him and take him out on a date. Surprise him and give him the romancing you would like to demonstrate your appreciation and remind him that you still choose, appreciate and adore him.
When we take one step deeper into the realisation that the external world is a reflection of our internal world, then we can really start to move mountains in our own relationship(See my blog Reflection Rather Than Deflection). By becoming self-responsible for our thinking and therefore the reality we are creating, we can choose to create a life and relationship that reinforces the beauty, sacredness and aliveness that the human experience has to offer. Whenever you have a negative thought about someone, notice and change your thought to something you appreciate about them. This level of awareness will change your relationships forever.
Gratitude is absolutely key in healthy relationships.
In the place beyond where boundaries, needs or preferences even exist – there is only love. This is the ultimate truth, however, we don’t just live in a world of ultimate truth, we also live in a world of relative truth. Relationship Tantra is about merging Supreme Love (the ultimate truth) with Relative Love (the relative truth).
Supreme Love says “only love is real”. Relative love says “you cannot un-need your need”. Ask for what you need and find peace on the relative plane, whilst at the same time feeling into the bigger picture and trusting supreme love. Supreme love will always give you exactly what you need at exactly the right time.
At the end of the day, you may feel into your needs and preferences and then let them all go and surrender completely to love, trusting the lessons that need to be learned and also trusting that relationships come into our life for a reason. Or, if you cannot accept a need not being met and you cannot think of any creative ways to meet those needs and stay together, the relationship will inevitably end. Supreme love still exists but does not work on the relative plane.
To read more on how relationship can be your great teacher, check out my blog 16 Keys For Healthy, Juicy & Authentic Relationships.
If you’re Perth based and wanting a direct experience of how to make your inner relationship with yourself and your outer relationship with a partner more intimate, meaningful, and enlivening, then check out my Fundamentals of Tantra –Weekend Workshop, Dec 15th& 16th 2018.