Letting go of the Identity, the “I” is fucking scary and yet its seems to be something that every spiritual tradition tells us that we need to move towards if we are to be truly free.
FREEDOM is only for the Courageous.
So, what does it mean to courageously let go of the “I”?
To face the fear (of death essentially) and see that the moment you are penetrating the fear, you discover that what was fear is just pure Presence. This sounds complex but actually, everyone has experienced it. When for a moment, we do not turn away from Fear or avoid Fear, even if it is as lttle as jumping into a freezing cold river, or climbing some difficult height. That moment when you hold your breath then you drop in the water haaaaaah!!! or get to the top aaaaah!! arms open wide. Exhileration. Joy. Triumph.
Its the same explosion of energy when we face any fear.
The only problem with fear is that we want to turn our back on it. Then it becomes fear about fear….about fear about fear….and theres endless shrinking.
What if we just turned around and met it?
Facing fear until not even death can kill us….because we know, there is nobody there. That we are life itself, limitless, endless Consciousness.
That is my masculine quest at the moment…to meet every fear till I die…again and and again…and then feel the joy and exhileration of BEING….everything and nothing. Stillness and energy. The Truth. Freedom from Identity. Everpresent Presence. Everpresent Love.
What I have discovered, during this quest, is that the journey comes to a vicious halt whenever I resist my humanity, resist my feelings, resist my SHADOW – my not so pretty parts, my “dark” side, my vulnerability, my inadequacies, my needy little girl, every single quality that I judge. We are not just light and not just dark, not just joyous and not just melancholic, not just surrendered and not just controlling. We are all of it. Our only suffering comes when we resist any-thing inside of us. Resist the notion we we are EVERYTHING and we are NOTHING.
Whatever fear we are meeting, whatever quest we are on, whatever path we have decided to walk, it is absolutely essential for us to accept that we are human and not be hard on ourselves when we fall short of the ideal woman or ideal man..particularly when we fall short of the ideal “spiritual” woman or man. All this does is create bullshit masks, and there is nothing more inauthentic than someone, including myself, speaking Love and Light, when inside, emotions are being suppressed and we may very well be seething and just about ready to kill someone. Thee is some deep conditioned belief inside of us that we must keep our veils up so as not to reveal our humanity. Some belief that we are not good enough, if we are not feeling “light”.
Part of not being hard on ourselves, is witnessing our “human” behaviour without judgement and having the capacity to forgive ourselves for our transgressions, because to be human, is undoubtedly to have a shadow. To practice forgivenenss of ourselves is to integrate the spiritual notion that our humanity is just as perfect as our divinity. It is to know that the stability of the truth of our being that welcomes everything, forgives everything, including the most human of emotions and shadows, it is what gives us our power and our strength to keep standing and keep loving. To stay in our centre through it all…Loving it all. Understanding that the shadow is just as much a magical gateway to our divinity with its beautiful but difficult lessons, as our Light. Feel it all, embrace it all then we give what no longer serves to the silence and let it Burn.
Part of my journey toward making friends with my humanity, is making a commitment to my Innocence and therefore, the Innocence in others. We are all innocent despite whatever is showing up in the “I”. In staying committed to Innocence, I choose stay in in my heart and never abandon myself and my present experience. No matter what thought, feeling, emotion, or sensation arises, I offer it a home within me, within my heart with absolute acceptance. There is no problem which must be fixed, nothing wrong with me and nobody else who needs to change or give me anything to make it better. There is no need to look outisde for better seeing. All I need is to bring my awareness into my heart, breathe into it, feel everything and give myself lots of love. Because I AM INNOCENT. And when I forget all that, and resist my feelings like a mofo and abandon myself AGAIN, I will not beat up on myself. I will just do whatever I need to do and feel whatever I need to feel to come back to my connection to Source, to my innocence.
From this place of seeing through the heart and allowing, I can meet whatever arises with kindness and live love, live freedom. As I come home to my heart, I come home to me, and the cells of my body remember…ahhhhh….the touch of my Hands, the touch of Spirit upon my heart.
Where there is Love and Grace, the touch of darkness and the touch of light become One.
Something I learned at my very educational day at Sci-Tech with my children not so long ago, is that during the transition from cocoon to becoming a butterfly, the pupa is very vulnerable…(not surprising!!) This certainly seems to be true in our spiritual metamorphosis process as well and it was another reminder to me of the need to embrace the truth, that struggle is part of transformation.
The cocoon time is a ‘protected period of development’ ….It is said that the greatest struggle for a butterfly is freeing itself from the cocoon where the transformation takes place. If it were not for this great struggle, the butterfly would not be strong enough to flap those huge wings. This has a powerful message for us. If we do not face our struggles, face our fears, let ourselves Be with the uncomfortable, we do not become strong enough to fly…to transform and see life from an entirely different perspective. Sometimes, the bigger the wings you are called to have, the bigger the struggle must be for you to be strong enough to use them. So next time you are struggling, know that the struggle is actually a gateway to great strength and beauty if we are courageous enough to stay with it. The butterfly then emerges,fully formed, glorious, and does what the caterpillar, perhaps, was always dreaming it could do, fly.